Category Archives: Satire

Trump, Cruz Participate In First-Ever Presidential “Yo Mama” Contest

 

For the first time in American presidential campaign history, Republican candidates Donald Trump and Ted Cruz  participated in a televised “Yo Mama” contest, which was broadcast live on CNN and Fox News Channel Saturday, March 26.

Tensions on the campaign trail have become intense between the two GOP front-runners in recent weeks, and the two have been engaged in a war of words on social media in recent days.  A SuperPAC supporting Cruz posted a nude picture of Trump’s wife, Melania Trump, earlier in the week, but Cruz denied any involvement.  Still, it drew the ire of Trump, who later Tweeted a picture disparaging Cruz’s wife Heidi’s looks.  On Friday, the National Enquirer ran a story accusing Cruz of numerous extramarital affairs, which Cruz has categorically denied and attributed as being generated by Trump’s campaign.

This set a heated tone for the evening’s contest, which began with a coin toss to determine which candidate would start the exchange.  While there were no moderators, Trump won the toss, and came out firing with an attack on Cruz’s mother’s eyes.

“Yo mama’s so cross-eyed, she thought her only child was a twin”

Trump’s words emitted “oohs” and laughter from the raucous crowd, which had enjoyed cocktails prior to the start of the contest.  Cruz came back firing with an observation about Trump’s mother’s posture.

“Yo mama’s so hunchbacked, she hits her head on speed bumps” said Cruz.

Trump looked unfazed by the remark, and the exchange continued to the delight of the audience.

After the contest concluded, most pundits expressed an opinion that Trump had come out on top.  This was highlighted by the final barb from Trump at the end of the nearly 30 minute exchange, which resulted in chants of “Trump!  Trump!  Trump!” from the crowd and a standing ovation, with several members of the audience performing hand gestures which had to be cut-away from during the live broadcast:

“Yo mama such a slut, that Foursquare has made her vagina a place to ‘check in'”

At the end of the debate, Trump and Cruz refused to shake hands, and Cruz appeared to utter expletives as he marched off stage.  A camera crew caught up with him minutes later, and asked him if he would entertain the idea of a pay-per-view penis-measurement competition.  While at first laughing it off, Cruz stated “well, our campaign managers have expressed an interest in a pissing contest, which I would prefer…But if that can’t happen, maybe we can talk.”

 

Donald Trump photo attribution:  By Michael Vadon [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Ted Cruz photo attribution:  Gage Skidmore [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

 

Donald Trump Announces Plan To Modify Statue Of Liberty

In a radio interview following a campaign stop in Alabama on Friday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump announced that he plans on modifying the historically famous “New Colossus” sonnet that is engraved on a plaque in the Statue Of Liberty pedestal, should he become President of the United States.

Specifically, Trump sees the phrase that closes the poem as problematic.  It currently reads as follows:

“Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

While he doesn’t believe there is anything directly inappropriate in those specific words, Trump indicated that the section needs to be removed because it “gives the wrong impression to people around the world, who have come to see the United States as a haven of promise and hope.”  He added that it has unfortunately made people believe that the U.S. is a welcoming nation.  “You have these immigrants from Mexico who read that, and then they get the idea that they have a chance for a better life here, which is just silly” Trump said.

A major element of Trump’s 2016 presidential campaign, which kicked off in June, has been centered on what he sees as the problem of illegal immigration.  He infamously referred to Mexican immigrants as “rapists” in his campaign kick-off speech, which set off a firestorm of controversy and has reignited the debate over immigration reform in the U.S. Part of Trump’s plans to address the issue include building a wall, deporting the estimated 11 million undocumented immigrants currently in the country, as well as changing the 14th Amendment to the Constitution, which guarantees birthright citizenship to people born in the United States.

When it was suggested that the move to omit a section of text from the Statue Of Liberty might be seen as extreme by some Americans and people around the world, Trump was quick to remind those who might be concerned that the statue was originally a gift from France anyway.  “Now, don’t get me wrong, I love French people, and have hired many of them to work in my hotels” Trump said.  “But when I think of what it is that will make America great again, I don’t necessarily think of something gifted from France.  The idea of offering sanctuary and liberty to the oppressed might be good French values, but I don’t think they really represent my vision for America.”

Trump was later asked if he would replace the words that he plans to remove from the statue, saying “I’m not sure.  I have floated some ideas around, but there’s nothing definite.”  He continued to say “but the word ‘Trump’ would fit nicely there, don’t you think?”

 

 

*NOTE TO READER:  THERE HAS BEEN SOME CONFUSION, SO THIS NEEDS TO BE MADE CLEAR – THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE.

**Scary to realize, it ain’t far from the truth though, huh?

 

Photo insert:  Wikimedia Commons/Gage Skidmore. https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Category:Donald_Trump#/media/File:Donald_Trump_by_Gage_Skidmore_2.jpg

Statue Of Liberty photo: Pixabay/ahundt

Mitt Romney: “DeflateGate” Would Not Have Happened If I Were President

Brady_withRomney

Two-time presidential candidate Mitt Romney sat down with Sean Hannity on Thursday, and weighed in on the “DeflateGate” scandal which has rocked the NFL and resulted in the New England Patriots’ star quarterback Tom Brady receiving a four game suspension.  Romney stated that a climate of non-transparency and deception stemming from the Obama administration has directly resulted in an atmosphere where cheating is encouraged and integrity is downplayed.

“When you look at the way the current president has done things,” Romney explained, “it’s no surprise that players would be influenced in a negative way and lose sight of what is honest and true.”  He went on to add “Before President Obama took office, the size and integrity of America’s balls, on the football field and beyond, were not an issue.  If I had been elected president, you can rest assured, this would not have happened.”

The recent controversy joins a long list of events that have been directly attributed to President Obama, including Ted Cruz blaming him for racial tensions and rioting that have gripped the nation in the wake of a string of deadly police shootings, as well as Michele Bachmann holding Obama at fault for the end of the fucking world.

Tom Brady photo credit – Wikimedia Commons, Keith Allison.

Mitt Romney photo insert – Wikimedia Commons – WikiCalMANH7

Patriots’ Tom Brady Used Robotic Arm During AFC Championship Game, NFL Investigation Finds

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady used a cleverly disguised, robotic arm during the AFC Championship game against the Indianapolis Colts, according to findings of an NFL investigation.  A uniquely designed, slightly over sized jersey enabled Brady to hide his regular, biological arm underneath his uniform and tuck it close to his body,  while the metal arm was used for throwing and handing off the football.  It is unclear how game officials did not notice that Brady was not using his actual arm, as each quarterback is typically checked and verified approximately 2 hours before kickoff.

pixabay_roboticarm
Prototype of the robotic arm used by Brady. Source pixabay.com/dantetg

 

Detractors claim that the pinpoint accuracy and strength of the arm gave Brady an advantage during the 45-7 rout, however some have stated that the difference is negligible.

At a press conference Thursday, Brady called accusations of cheating “ridiculous” and said that using a robotic arm is actually common practice in the NFL.  He went on to say that using such equipment does not account for the Colts’ lack of effectiveness of offense.

Patriots coach Bill Belichick says he had no knowledge of the arm being used, but will take up the issue with the team’s equipment manager.

Photo credit – WikiMedia Commons – Keith Allison

San Diego Chargers Face Mounting Pressure To Change Name From Electricity Advocates

The controversy over the San Diego Chargers’ name is getting heated as members of the National Association For The Advancement Of Electricity (NAAE) call upon team owner Dean Spanos to change his team’s name, which some in the electrical community have labeled “patently offensive” and a “disservice to societal gains made by electricity over the course of its history in human use.”

Advocates from the electrical community claim that the “Chargers” name represents a stereotyped depiction of electricity and that it belittles the role of electricity in society. Some point to the image it represents as one that is “intimidating” and even “dangerous.”

“People see the way electricity is represented by the San Diego Chargers football team, and they think that electricity is all about shocking people and lightning bolts,” says Ed Thomason, spokesperson for the NAAE. “They don’t get a respectful, three-dimensional representation of the different ways that electricity has contributed to American society and the obstacles that it has had to overcome.”

Dean Spanos could not be reached for comment.

Photo credit – www.freedigitalphotos.net – Vichaya Kiatying-Angsulee

Internet Comment Threads Rife With Assholes, Study Finds

New research has confirmed what sociologists and internet users have suspected for years, that political discussion threads are dominated by pigheaded, simple-minded assholes.

The study, conducted by the Center for Research Studies, took a look at discussion boards and comment threads across a variety of media outlets and forums, including popular sites such as Facebook and Twitter. The conclusion was that approximately 97% of all comments posted were asinine fallacies with no basis in reality whatsoever.  The study also found that the most prolific posters were overwhelmingly dickheads and fuckwads, at approximately 93% of all users.

The causal relationship between being a self-righteous asshole and internet discussion forums remains unclear, however.  Researchers are not sure if participating in comment threads makes a person shortsighted and idiotic, or if comment boards just happen to attract douchebags and dickheads.

“The only thing we can conclude for certain is that if a person is seeking intelligent and knowledgeable political discourse, it most likely will not be found on the internet,” said Liam Schilling, who spearheaded the study.  “However, if a person is a stubborn, uninformed moron, they will most likely feel right at home,” he added.

photo credit – www.pixabay.com – OpenClips